I'm kinda down today. Less so than yesterday, but down nonetheless. I had one of those weeks where I've driven up to Dallas twice for an audition and a callback in the span of 3 days. Read: 12-14 hours total travel time with gas at more than $4/gallon. Then, I get the call that it's down to me and one person for the role and the client wants to make sure I'm available (and I am) and then …. they go with the other choice. :-( Seriously. It's like getting ready for a date only to have him call 5 minutes before he's supposed to pick me up only to cancel. All dressed up with nowhere to go. I believe the guys' version of that is called a prick tease.
That pretty much culminates how much the month has ebbed and flowed.
I started with a great high this month booking a commercial for a major auto company. The client was a dream. The folks on set were so incredibly, fantastically supportive and made no efforts to hide the love. I felt like I could do no wrong. It must be what a superhero feels like, or a parent after the kid has learned to use the potty. It really gave me the confidence to play and take a few risks with my choices. The freedom to add my own touch and be me. I got to parallel park an SUV that parallel parks itself. It was BANANAS. All I had to do was change gears and use the brake. My glee in the spot is only part acting. It should air in Texas on or just after Memorial Day.
The performances at Fort Hood are going really well, mostly. It still feels as if the team hasn't quite gelled enough yet and those after-lunch shows aren't up to par yet. The pressure is definitely high and it's tough to enjoy the successes when every detail is scrutinized. Lives are quite literally on the line. I'm finding difficulty relaxing into it, which may make me make things worse for myself. I'm trying to remember to breathe, focus, and that the soldiers are watching, listening, and in some cases, really paying attention because we're hitting home for them.
An Army major spoke before two of our performances this past week. He talked about his teenage son and how because of the performance he saw, he was able to recognize warning signs. After a heated confrontation between the two that very night over chores, the major and his wife decided to get their son help. It wasn't a moment too soon. The boy admitted to being depressed and suicidal for a long time. Years. So much so as to have come up with two separate ways to end his life. Because of the performance that the major saw, he got his son help. The major said if it hadn't been for the performance, his son might not be around today.
So, I'll take the pressure and do more than I think I can. I hope. I just have the constant worry I'll be canned after the 3 month contract period. That would really devastate me. Really. My nerves are a little shot from the high highs and the low lows. Is this what it feels like to be a drug addict?
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Insanity (of the productive variety)
I think the karma is turning around for the better. I don't know that we're going to be OK, but it certainly feels like we're are. Big changes have happened. The major stress in our lives is gone. The future is very uncertain and still shaky, but I have high hopes.
The show I'm in is physically demanding, and I've almost fallen out of tree, but it's getting great response and people seem to be enjoying it! Yay!
I now also count myself as one of a few steadily working actors around here. I booked a dream job. A long-term gig performing live for soldiers on suicide awareness and prevention. It's an amazing opportunity to use acting as a tool to make a positive impact on a segment of our society that so badly needs support. It pays, there are understudies and it's a community service. I'm humbled and in awe to be a part of this production. I'm also in a stunning company of actors whose work I admire, but never had the opportunity to work with before. I'm giddy and flattered to be among them. It feels incredible to be a part of something that makes me want to bring my A+ game.
I can't believe my good fortune after all the uncertainty of the past few months.
The Actors' Fair was a great success for our fledgling taping business. We had a lot of folks come by and take our business cards as well as a couple of head shot photographers and a local acting coach who said they would definitely send referrals our way. OK, Louisiana, get ready to see our work! I feel blessed. Really, really blessed.
The show I'm in is physically demanding, and I've almost fallen out of tree, but it's getting great response and people seem to be enjoying it! Yay!
I now also count myself as one of a few steadily working actors around here. I booked a dream job. A long-term gig performing live for soldiers on suicide awareness and prevention. It's an amazing opportunity to use acting as a tool to make a positive impact on a segment of our society that so badly needs support. It pays, there are understudies and it's a community service. I'm humbled and in awe to be a part of this production. I'm also in a stunning company of actors whose work I admire, but never had the opportunity to work with before. I'm giddy and flattered to be among them. It feels incredible to be a part of something that makes me want to bring my A+ game.
I can't believe my good fortune after all the uncertainty of the past few months.
The Actors' Fair was a great success for our fledgling taping business. We had a lot of folks come by and take our business cards as well as a couple of head shot photographers and a local acting coach who said they would definitely send referrals our way. OK, Louisiana, get ready to see our work! I feel blessed. Really, really blessed.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Catching my breath
It's been a hectic few weeks, both good and bad. I'm going to view the bad as a blessing in disguise – for now. I haven't booked any of my recent auditions and the employment status in the household has become entirely contract/freelance (for now). Despite this, I'm surprisingly calm. I'm definitely more focused and I'm hustlin' like a hooker work-wise.
The casting assisting has been working out well. I enjoy it very much and the casting director I've been working with is an amazing lady. She's been busy, so I've been busy. Whew! It's been fantastic to see the local talent and as an actor it's been an eye-opening experience. What can I take away from it as an actor? Have fun! The audition process is only as terrifying as I make it. I may not be right for every role, but as long as I keep making fun and interesting choices, I'll be called in and hopefully remain in good standing with the CDs and the local film production companies. Also, remember to shut up, listen, smile, have energy and stand on the mark until further direction is given. Everyone in that room wants to see a win. Seriously.
My private coaching and taped audition ventures have been going well. Word of mouth sees to be spreading about the work, so a small client base is building. One of my regular private coaching students got a callback on his first ever commercial audition and I just got a note today from a fellow acting classmate, who I coached for a commercial audition, that she got a callback. It feels almost as good as getting the callback myself. I couldn't be prouder and more certain that I'm on the right track.
The play I'm in is also about to open. I'm having fun, but I must've been crazy to sign up for something set outdoors. I'm so used to being inside that I've forgotten what a weakling my allergies turn me into. On the plus side however, I have discovered that I have the tenacity to figure out how to get out of a tree, even after getting stuck in the tree and unintentionally doing mid-air splits -- I would make a fantastic cat. Maybe in another life.
At this point, I'm trying to stay busy and pick up some of the momentum I lost. Keeping this as a steady gig is what would make me happiest during my lean times, but of course, booking some work would pull me out of my slump(s) for sure. I'm crazy scared about the unknown, but I have a great support system and some great people on my side. I hope it's enough. Cross your fingers for me. I'm not out.
The casting assisting has been working out well. I enjoy it very much and the casting director I've been working with is an amazing lady. She's been busy, so I've been busy. Whew! It's been fantastic to see the local talent and as an actor it's been an eye-opening experience. What can I take away from it as an actor? Have fun! The audition process is only as terrifying as I make it. I may not be right for every role, but as long as I keep making fun and interesting choices, I'll be called in and hopefully remain in good standing with the CDs and the local film production companies. Also, remember to shut up, listen, smile, have energy and stand on the mark until further direction is given. Everyone in that room wants to see a win. Seriously.
My private coaching and taped audition ventures have been going well. Word of mouth sees to be spreading about the work, so a small client base is building. One of my regular private coaching students got a callback on his first ever commercial audition and I just got a note today from a fellow acting classmate, who I coached for a commercial audition, that she got a callback. It feels almost as good as getting the callback myself. I couldn't be prouder and more certain that I'm on the right track.
The play I'm in is also about to open. I'm having fun, but I must've been crazy to sign up for something set outdoors. I'm so used to being inside that I've forgotten what a weakling my allergies turn me into. On the plus side however, I have discovered that I have the tenacity to figure out how to get out of a tree, even after getting stuck in the tree and unintentionally doing mid-air splits -- I would make a fantastic cat. Maybe in another life.
At this point, I'm trying to stay busy and pick up some of the momentum I lost. Keeping this as a steady gig is what would make me happiest during my lean times, but of course, booking some work would pull me out of my slump(s) for sure. I'm crazy scared about the unknown, but I have a great support system and some great people on my side. I hope it's enough. Cross your fingers for me. I'm not out.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
My botched audition with Marc Webb
Because I flippantly mentioned that I botched an audition with this director in a previous post and it would probably raise a question or two, here goes:
I had an audition for the pilot episode of the canceled-after-two-episodes-and-we-didn't-even-get-to-see-Andie-MacDowell show "Lone Star." It died an unceremonious death as many of the shows around here have this year (bye, CHASE. It was fun.). Anyyyyywaaaaaay, my audition was at 8:30 a.m. in Dallas, which is 3 hours away in good traffic. However, I had committed to teaching a free class the evening before.
Here's where I made the mistake: I ASKED PERMISSION to forgo the class, so that I could drive to Dallas with plenty of time to rest before my audition. I was denied and guilted into keeping the commitment. I blame my Catholic upbringing and sense of commitment (dammit) for being so gullible. So, I stayed for the duration of the class, left at 10 p.m., drove to Plano to stay with a friend, was in bed by 2 a.m., woke up at 6 a.m. to make my 8:30 a.m. audition time. Do we see any problems yet?
In addition to being absolutely useless on less than 7 hours of sleep, I had previously decided that I wanted a bit more background on the role I was reading for. I can feel you cringing now. Yes, I am, too. All I wanted to know was a) How is this person related to the leads? Family or friend? b) What is her role in helping tell their story? Not unreasonable. But, my sleep-deprived brain and sense of brevity came up with this gem: "What is her hierarchy in the show?" To which the casting director quickly piped up, "Oh there's going to be a spin off. It's going to be called name-of-role-I-read-for."
It was a quick save on her part, sort of, but it took me a delayed second to understand what my mouth had just vomited. They thought I was asking about the size of the role. Oh, freaking horrors of audition horrors. If there had ever been a time that I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up, this was it. Simultaneously, I could hear a voice inside my head scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! OH! MY! GOOOOOOODDD! GET! OUT! GETOUT! GETOUT! GETOUT!!"
I could have tried to save myself, back track and explain, but really, I probably would have made it worse. I'm good that way. I've mentioned before about my uncanny ability to sabotage myself, no? Well, I'm excellent at shooting my own foot. Moving on.....
So, after this introductory disaster, I auditioned and felt good about it leaving the room, but well what did that matter if the only impression I left them with was that I'm a freaking diva and possibly mentally unstable? Oh, for 3 more hours of sleep!
I alerted my agent immediately about my faux pas and she did what she could to smooth things over, but well, he'd already dismissed me by then. However, after all that, the character was completely cut from the script and Mr. Webb dropped the show to follow a little project called "The Amazing Spider-Man" or something to that effect.
Small consolation after this mess is that I did get to chat with the casting director during a workshop and she mentioned in retelling this cautionary tale that I was the best read. D'oh! Right in the heart! By the way, in case you're slow and don't know what the cautions are: get sleep, only ask questions pertaining to the scene(s) you have in hand. Oh, and don't ask permission. It's better to apologize for doing something than to be denied before trying.
I had an audition for the pilot episode of the canceled-after-two-episodes-and-we-didn't-even-get-to-see-Andie-MacDowell show "Lone Star." It died an unceremonious death as many of the shows around here have this year (bye, CHASE. It was fun.). Anyyyyywaaaaaay, my audition was at 8:30 a.m. in Dallas, which is 3 hours away in good traffic. However, I had committed to teaching a free class the evening before.
Here's where I made the mistake: I ASKED PERMISSION to forgo the class, so that I could drive to Dallas with plenty of time to rest before my audition. I was denied and guilted into keeping the commitment. I blame my Catholic upbringing and sense of commitment (dammit) for being so gullible. So, I stayed for the duration of the class, left at 10 p.m., drove to Plano to stay with a friend, was in bed by 2 a.m., woke up at 6 a.m. to make my 8:30 a.m. audition time. Do we see any problems yet?
In addition to being absolutely useless on less than 7 hours of sleep, I had previously decided that I wanted a bit more background on the role I was reading for. I can feel you cringing now. Yes, I am, too. All I wanted to know was a) How is this person related to the leads? Family or friend? b) What is her role in helping tell their story? Not unreasonable. But, my sleep-deprived brain and sense of brevity came up with this gem: "What is her hierarchy in the show?" To which the casting director quickly piped up, "Oh there's going to be a spin off. It's going to be called name-of-role-I-read-for."
It was a quick save on her part, sort of, but it took me a delayed second to understand what my mouth had just vomited. They thought I was asking about the size of the role. Oh, freaking horrors of audition horrors. If there had ever been a time that I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up, this was it. Simultaneously, I could hear a voice inside my head scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! OH! MY! GOOOOOOODDD! GET! OUT! GETOUT! GETOUT! GETOUT!!"
I could have tried to save myself, back track and explain, but really, I probably would have made it worse. I'm good that way. I've mentioned before about my uncanny ability to sabotage myself, no? Well, I'm excellent at shooting my own foot. Moving on.....
So, after this introductory disaster, I auditioned and felt good about it leaving the room, but well what did that matter if the only impression I left them with was that I'm a freaking diva and possibly mentally unstable? Oh, for 3 more hours of sleep!
I alerted my agent immediately about my faux pas and she did what she could to smooth things over, but well, he'd already dismissed me by then. However, after all that, the character was completely cut from the script and Mr. Webb dropped the show to follow a little project called "The Amazing Spider-Man" or something to that effect.
Small consolation after this mess is that I did get to chat with the casting director during a workshop and she mentioned in retelling this cautionary tale that I was the best read. D'oh! Right in the heart! By the way, in case you're slow and don't know what the cautions are: get sleep, only ask questions pertaining to the scene(s) you have in hand. Oh, and don't ask permission. It's better to apologize for doing something than to be denied before trying.
Back to it
In the swing of rehearsal, prepping for the next live theatrical production. It should be something interesting. It'll be a mobile type of venture where the audience will walk around the outdoor grounds of a museum and watch a bunch of adults play children. Children trapped in a fantasy world. Against their will. It's not really a kid friendly thing, but I don't see why children wouldn't get something out of it. Just no crying, please.
I guess it's just me not having had the academic theater background as my contemporaries, so I still get a little freaked out by some of the warm ups and group work we're asked to do. I'll go along with it. I mean, what do I know, right? I do however, have those few minutes where my brain says, “Excuse me, what? I am to stand here and just wait for this group to synch brains?” Then I let it go. It's an exercise. Lord knows I could use the exercise in patience and listening. Awareness of others isn't a bad thing, either.
It's just good to be around folks who are willing to play and explore. It makes me feel all creative-like and willing to push a little farther out of my comfort zone. It really does make me feel like a kid again, and not just because I'm supposed to be a child. For three hours I can focus on this one thing and not be completely plagued by my worries and my other commitments.
Speaking of which, I guess I'm at the point where my commitments are going to collide. I've already been lectured once about commitment this week. I have to prioritize. And I am. I still don't have the steady day job thing, so I won't turn down freelance opportunities, or booked jobs, because of my non-paying commitments. And for the record, I don't consider $40 for 3 months of rehearsal and performance paid work. That's just reimbursement for gas. Sorry. It may be hard for those folks to hear, but I can't repeat my mistake from the summer.
Full disclosure (This is so painful. More painful than my botched audition for Marc Webb.): I was in a theater production this past summer and booked a NATIONAL commercial scheduled to film the opening weekend, so I then lost the booking. Gone. Like that. S-T-U-P-I-D. I still haven't let that go and it haunts me. A few months later, I had the pleasure of auditioning with the young lady who I handed that job to. Lovely. Not awkward for me AT ALL.
I had to make a quick decision and I feel I made the wrong one. The beauty of hindsight – I could have made it work, but I didn't entertain the thought. I'm just hoping for patience, a bit of luck and it won't have to come to something like that ever again. Art and money are mutually exclusive for actors in regional, non-Broadway theater. I'm an actor and I need to an income doing so. Rejecting paid work I've earned isn't smart business. Duh.
I realize this may be an unpopular opinion, especially among my theater friends, but that's my reality. Art is art, but business is money and I have a mortgage, a car payment and an over-worked husband. So far, I'm managing and I don't want to be unkind or difficult. I'll make as many accommodations as I can. I don't want to let people down, but it won't come at the expense of me losing work … I hope.
I guess it's just me not having had the academic theater background as my contemporaries, so I still get a little freaked out by some of the warm ups and group work we're asked to do. I'll go along with it. I mean, what do I know, right? I do however, have those few minutes where my brain says, “Excuse me, what? I am to stand here and just wait for this group to synch brains?” Then I let it go. It's an exercise. Lord knows I could use the exercise in patience and listening. Awareness of others isn't a bad thing, either.
It's just good to be around folks who are willing to play and explore. It makes me feel all creative-like and willing to push a little farther out of my comfort zone. It really does make me feel like a kid again, and not just because I'm supposed to be a child. For three hours I can focus on this one thing and not be completely plagued by my worries and my other commitments.
Speaking of which, I guess I'm at the point where my commitments are going to collide. I've already been lectured once about commitment this week. I have to prioritize. And I am. I still don't have the steady day job thing, so I won't turn down freelance opportunities, or booked jobs, because of my non-paying commitments. And for the record, I don't consider $40 for 3 months of rehearsal and performance paid work. That's just reimbursement for gas. Sorry. It may be hard for those folks to hear, but I can't repeat my mistake from the summer.
Full disclosure (This is so painful. More painful than my botched audition for Marc Webb.): I was in a theater production this past summer and booked a NATIONAL commercial scheduled to film the opening weekend, so I then lost the booking. Gone. Like that. S-T-U-P-I-D. I still haven't let that go and it haunts me. A few months later, I had the pleasure of auditioning with the young lady who I handed that job to. Lovely. Not awkward for me AT ALL.
I had to make a quick decision and I feel I made the wrong one. The beauty of hindsight – I could have made it work, but I didn't entertain the thought. I'm just hoping for patience, a bit of luck and it won't have to come to something like that ever again. Art and money are mutually exclusive for actors in regional, non-Broadway theater. I'm an actor and I need to an income doing so. Rejecting paid work I've earned isn't smart business. Duh.
I realize this may be an unpopular opinion, especially among my theater friends, but that's my reality. Art is art, but business is money and I have a mortgage, a car payment and an over-worked husband. So far, I'm managing and I don't want to be unkind or difficult. I'll make as many accommodations as I can. I don't want to let people down, but it won't come at the expense of me losing work … I hope.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....
It's becoming more difficult to write on a more regular basis. So much of what I'm going through isn't directly happening to me. It's happening to my husband and I'm helpless to change anything for him. It's very painful for me not to be able to just fix/change everything that's wrong right now. It's also not fair to him to air his privacy out in the open just because I need an outlet. It is MY freaking blog after all isn't it? So, yeah, it's about mememememememe.
My husband might argue that's not necessarily different from any other day. He's not being mean, just pointing out the obvious. What? I have FLAWS?! The hell you say?! I've caught myself lately talking more and asking less. Two ears, one mouth. Hello? Not and island! I'm working on that. I promise.
So, in trying to be fair and a good wife, I have to be vague. The details I suppose aren't necessarily relevant, I'm just trying to be there for my biggest supporter and fan at a time when he needs his wife the most. He's sacrificed more than I have; believed in me when I had doubts; and bears the biggest burdens and stresses, so that I could pursue my heart's desire. I hope he can say that I've been there for him. He's been there for me.
My focus can't be on me right now. That'll be a nice change. He's supported me for so long, it's my turn. I just want to be able to deliver when it comes time to. It may mean dropping the dream, whether temporarily or permanently. I don't know. I can't know what tomorrow brings. Trying to do both acting and paying a mortgage (when will I stop regretting this purchase?) on one steady income just isn't realistic. But you already knew that, didn't you? I just got excited too quickly and didn't think about the worst case scenarios. Oh, hubris....
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The bitter and the sweet.
I've learned that I can't have any highs without lows to balance them out. I had a good day with the casting director I assisted and she invited me back (sweet). I enjoyed seeing the different talent that came through and really have a brand new appreciation for what casting directors do. Her callbacks were at the end of the week, which directly conflicted with callbacks for an audition I had earlier in the week ... had I made the callbacks (bitter). So, no callbacks and no work assisting for callbacks (really bitter). But after handing out some postcards at the big-huge-mixer Wednesday and getting some serious endorsement from a local casting director for taped auditions, I feel better (sweet).
It's frustrating to feel that I've let myself down. The audition would have been a great job to book. I fumbled through several takes, but I didn't let it defeat me. In fact, my last take of the audition was really solid, I felt, “great” according to the casting director. It wasn't enough, though. That's really what I'm struggling with – feeling like I'm not (good) enough and letting go of envy. I'm happy for folks who book the big jobs. Many of them are friends. I just want to be able to turn the fortune I had this past summer into more work and it hasn't really happened (darn you, Neil Diamond, no matter how much I like your songs. BITTERBITTERBITTER).
Sometimes, however, getting a fresh perspective can make all the difference. I tried one last avenue in hopes of getting footage with my new dialogue and in the course of the conversation found that hell, the offensive dialogue can be edited around and still keep most everything in tact (d'oh! Duh!)! So, while I'll lose TWO WHOLE seconds of dialogue on what'll be posted on the Interwebs, the point is that IT WILL be up and I'll be able to market myself. Seriously, why don't I think of these things on my own? My ability to self-sabotage is so eerily well-honed, I really don't need enemies. All you people considering the position: don't. I've got you covered. I can shoot myself in the foot blindfolded and with far more efficacy and less effort than you.
Until then, I'm going to keep myself busy. I did get cast in a new play written by one of my actor friends and I'm looking forward to having some fun in theater again. I have an audition this week, though I'm not fulfilling my resolution to audition once a week, every week, on my own; and I've managed to barter my time for classes for the next few weeks (sweet). Patience is a virtue I don't possess, but I'm working on it, Lord, I'm working on it. Mostly to be patient and forgiving with myself.
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