The bitter and the sweet.

I've learned that I can't have any highs without lows to balance them out. I had a good day with the casting director I assisted and she invited me back (sweet). I enjoyed seeing the different talent that came through and really have a brand new appreciation for what casting directors do. Her callbacks were at the end of the week, which directly conflicted with callbacks for an audition I had earlier in the week ... had I made the callbacks (bitter). So, no callbacks and no work assisting for callbacks (really bitter). But after handing out some postcards at the big-huge-mixer Wednesday and getting some serious endorsement from a local casting director for taped auditions, I feel better (sweet).

It's frustrating to feel that I've let myself down. The audition would have been a great job to book. I fumbled through several takes, but I didn't let it defeat me. In fact, my last take of the audition was really solid, I felt, “great” according to the casting director. It wasn't enough, though. That's really what I'm struggling with – feeling like I'm not (good) enough and letting go of envy. I'm happy for folks who book the big jobs. Many of them are friends. I just want to be able to turn the fortune I had this past summer into more work and it hasn't really happened (darn you, Neil Diamond, no matter how much I like your songs. BITTERBITTERBITTER).

Sometimes, however, getting a fresh perspective can make all the difference. I tried one last avenue in hopes of getting footage with my new dialogue and in the course of the conversation found that hell, the offensive dialogue can be edited around and still keep most everything in tact (d'oh! Duh!)! So, while I'll lose TWO WHOLE seconds of dialogue on what'll be posted on the Interwebs, the point is that IT WILL be up and I'll be able to market myself. Seriously, why don't I think of these things on my own? My ability to self-sabotage is so eerily well-honed, I really don't need enemies. All you people considering the position: don't. I've got you covered. I can shoot myself in the foot blindfolded and with far more efficacy and less effort than you.

Until then, I'm going to keep myself busy. I did get cast in a new play written by one of my actor friends and I'm looking forward to having some fun in theater again. I have an audition this week, though I'm not fulfilling my resolution to audition once a week, every week, on my own; and I've managed to barter my time for classes for the next few weeks (sweet). Patience is a virtue I don't possess, but I'm working on it, Lord, I'm working on it. Mostly to be patient and forgiving with myself.

Neil Diamond might hate me. Like, on a personal level.

So, I flippantly mentioned in my intro post that I don't want Neil Diamond to sue me. It's not a joke or a euphemism. I really don't and it's making my marketing efforts a bit challenging.

I also mentioned in my intro post that I was on a major network show this past year. Here's how the two are correlated:

In said show, I witness two murders. The murderer (An awesome Robert Knepper. Seriously, if you ever have the chance to meet him, do it!) is whistling "Sweet Caroline" while shooting a couple of mechanics. He finds me hiding and I beg for my life. He smiles and lets me live. How amusing. Cut to a few scenes later and the leads of the show, a pair of Texas marshals, interview me about the killings; walking and talking, stop, talking. I'm then asked, "Did he say anything to you?" I respond, "No, he was just whistling." "Whistling?" "Yeah, 'Sweet Caroline'. I hate that song. Now, I can't get it out of my head. Excuse me." I exit. I'm done! Woo hoo! Yay me!

So, I'm done and feeling really good. The episode airs and all is well, except for my name being miscredited in the closing titles. Gah! A few days later, I get a call from my agent letting me know I'm on hold for ADR (Automated Dialogue Replacement) for my dialogue on the show. I came to find out, through my agent and the exec supervising my ADR session, that Neil Diamond took issue with my line about hating "Sweet Caroline." Not Neil Diamond's people or his camp, NEIL DIAMOND. The lines had evidently not been cleared by him. The whistling of the song during the murder scene? Yes. Me hating the song? No. And for the record, I LIKE "Sweet Caroline"!

So, a couple of weeks after the original airing of the episode, I'm in a studio rerecording the lines and all traces of "Sweet Caroline" are gone, except of course, on every TV web site that plays TV shows online. Sure, the original "Sweet Caroline" dialogue is there for all to see, but that's their deal. I just want to be able to use the footage for my reel and not worry that Neil Diamond will end me.

So, the new line went from "Sweet Caroline. I hate that song," to "Dirty Water. That old Standells' song." Please, God, don't let the Standells come after me next. So, I'll put it out there again -- if anyone knows of a site that has re-dubbed/re-looped episodes after their original airing and won't put a virus on my computer, just leave me a comment.

Thanks.

New Year. New Kick in the Ass.

I probably should've done this last year. Leave it to me to have a delayed idea. Lord, help me -- story of my life. So here I am -- a 34-year-old, "self-employed" actor/housewife/flailing (failing?) entrepeneur, college graduate, possibly having a quarter-to-midlife crisis.

Where to begin? I moved to Austin in 1997 after falling in love with the city (OK, the UT campus. Hook 'Em 'Horns!) during a state high school competition in 1994 and 1995. I was an orchestra geek. Emphasis on the geek. I've only realized in the last few years that all college campuses must seem cool to high schoolers. So much academia, independence and sex in the air. It was the only school I applied to and I got in. Not bad for a timid El Paso girl.

Fast forward a decade after a promising career in online journalism (Not really. Turns out I don't have the stomach for it and I value my soul and not becoming numb to the horrors of humanity and whatnot), a move to and from Las Vegas and Los Angeles (Not acting related. Regarding here-to-fore-mentioned journalism career), jumping into the film and theater scene in Austin (which is plentiful and fun, but often lacking quality), and a-mostly-on-again-but-sometimes-off-again-relationship-turned-solid-marriage and I'm in my home office contemplating my next move.

I happily left the journalism industry in 2008 to more fully pursue acting, since I was booking quite a bit of commercial work and was excited at the prospect of what more devoted time would bring. I got a part-time receptionist gig through a friend who was totally cool with me taking time off, if and when needed, to audition  and work any booked jobs. Pretty sweet, I know.  It's all anyone in my position could ask for.

But, of course, it couldn't last. The company wasn't able to make payroll and I finally resigned when the county constables came by to seize equipment (including my office computer) to settle an unpaid debt. I wasn't being paid and I couldn't do the simplest of my assigned tasks. Thanks for your support! I gotta go!

That was back in April 2010. My husband said I should take my time finding new steady work and I should concentrate on my acting. So, I've taken my time, but the concentration has been sporadic at best. Something I'm trying to change as a deadline I wasn't previously aware of looms. I've been selfishly thinking that my time not steadily contributing financially to my partner in marriage and our shared bank account was limitless. Stupid, I know. I'm easily lulled into a false sense of security. Good news for our politicians! Anyway, the unfairness of making my husband the sole breadwinner is taking it's toll and I have until April this year "to make something happen with acting."

After which, we'll decide what "needs to be done". It doesn't give me much hope. I've never really been the most self-motivated person. The fact that I quit a steady career for something as fleeting as acting is more a testament to my insanity rather than my tenacity I've concluded. I must be a glutton for punishment if I've chosen a life where I'll be rejected more times than the smelly kid in the Kindergarten class. Though the punishment I received working in news should've told me that. Again, slow on the uptake.

So, I've taken up the day-job search in earnest and feeling further discouraged by lack of enthusiasm and possible un-hirability for the most menial of tasks. Truly a big ol' slice of humble pie for me. I'm still in there chasing the dream, however. I've set myself up as a private coach (one client so far!), and teamed up with a fellow actor from my agency to tape auditions (so far mostly folks from my agency, who get a discount, but I'm at the mixers drumming up business), and trying the Every Girl Friday for actors thing (again, one client so far!).

I'm going to work at picking up the momentum I lost after experiencing my first co-star role on a major network show. It was a high and the low following has been really low. I've booked a couple of commercial jobs since, but being able to turn that into more work has eluded me. The idea probably won't come to me until six months from now...... Lord, help me.

BTW, if anyone knows where to locate shows that have been re-dubbed/re-looped since their original airings, please let me know. I'd like to have the footage for my marketing purposes and not get sued by Neil Diamond in the process. Thanks.