Tuesday, September 3, 2013

An ode, nay, plea to my one and only Body

To my one and only Body,

I would like to make a deal with you. However, before I propose this deal, let me start with this: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the years of abuse and misuse that lead you to any pain and injury -- especially the injuries that required surgery (damn you eagle landings!).

I realize that on this cusp of another year of us being on this earth, you do things to remind me how in control you actually are. And I appreciate that. Yes, body, you are the master of us, even when I occasionally took control and caused us to black out and hit our head on the concrete. But that was just ONE time. I learned my lesson! I promise! ok, ok, there were a few more blackouts after, but we didn't fall and hit our head now, did we?! See!? See?!

Now I realize that in the past month I have pushed you. You let me know we were lifting too much when I felt like my arms were being ripped out at the bicep. But there were pain patches and ibuprofen! I overheated you and you gave me cramps. But there was cold water and air conditioning after! Even a run through a splash park! I had one glass of wine and you gave me the dry heaves. I agreed to one more week of physical endurance and you hung on until the end. Then, we woke up with needles in our throat and a sinus infection. I get it. You're in control and there is only so much you can take. But, you did right by me and made me proud.

So, in the spirit of harmony and another passing year, can I ask for this. just. one. thing? No more blemishes. It's not a big demand. It really isn't. I'm not even complaining about the errant and ever growing number of white hairs (not even the one you put on my eyebrow the year before last) on my head. But that is just the crux isn't it? You're going to give me white hairs and blemishes? That's just not fair and it's going too far, Body. This must stop!

Despite the physical duress of the past month, I have been good to you. Plenty of rest, as much water as I remember to drink, more fruits and veggies and we even lost some of the ungodly weight we hated. And I realized that I had been over-feeding you and now no more over-indulgence! I promise! Rest, care and proper nutrition! I even indulged in the fancy creams!

Wait, is the blemish in retaliation for letting the credit card number run out on the Beauty Tube? It can't be that? Right? We're still good, right? I indulged in the good creams and scrubs over the past month when we working our butts off in the heat in the middle of nowhere and exposing ourselves to possible illness. The good lotions and potions and luxury stuff. What, I let the credit card expire and you give me a pimple? I gave up dessert after dinner for you! DAMMIT!

Body, this will never do.

It seems we have come to a stand off.

To be continued.......