It's becoming more difficult to write on a more regular basis. So much of what I'm going through isn't directly happening to me. It's happening to my husband and I'm helpless to change anything for him. It's very painful for me not to be able to just fix/change everything that's wrong right now. It's also not fair to him to air his privacy out in the open just because I need an outlet. It is MY freaking blog after all isn't it? So, yeah, it's about mememememememe.
My husband might argue that's not necessarily different from any other day. He's not being mean, just pointing out the obvious. What? I have FLAWS?! The hell you say?! I've caught myself lately talking more and asking less. Two ears, one mouth. Hello? Not and island! I'm working on that. I promise.
So, in trying to be fair and a good wife, I have to be vague. The details I suppose aren't necessarily relevant, I'm just trying to be there for my biggest supporter and fan at a time when he needs his wife the most. He's sacrificed more than I have; believed in me when I had doubts; and bears the biggest burdens and stresses, so that I could pursue my heart's desire. I hope he can say that I've been there for him. He's been there for me.
My focus can't be on me right now. That'll be a nice change. He's supported me for so long, it's my turn. I just want to be able to deliver when it comes time to. It may mean dropping the dream, whether temporarily or permanently. I don't know. I can't know what tomorrow brings. Trying to do both acting and paying a mortgage (when will I stop regretting this purchase?) on one steady income just isn't realistic. But you already knew that, didn't you? I just got excited too quickly and didn't think about the worst case scenarios. Oh, hubris....
I know what your are going through and feeling. Trust me, and share with you the struggle to make it all work. I failed because I lost hope and gave up. But this isn't about me. It's about youyouyouyouyou, right? Keep searching, keep active, never give up. Because regret is a MF.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up. When I started working, I had the luxury of being able to take a job that paid little money, but gave me a chance to work toward my dream job. Two years later, I was still making little money and my husband was laid off. Yes, we're still riding the recession from 2001. The transition from being the one getting the support--emotionally and financially--to the one providing the support was a hard one to swallow. Working 1.5 jobs and not being at home in the evenings was hard for my husband, but it helped pave the way to my current job. It's hard, but the good thing is that you're talking. It's scary when you stop talking.
ReplyDelete