The bitter and the sweet.

I've learned that I can't have any highs without lows to balance them out. I had a good day with the casting director I assisted and she invited me back (sweet). I enjoyed seeing the different talent that came through and really have a brand new appreciation for what casting directors do. Her callbacks were at the end of the week, which directly conflicted with callbacks for an audition I had earlier in the week ... had I made the callbacks (bitter). So, no callbacks and no work assisting for callbacks (really bitter). But after handing out some postcards at the big-huge-mixer Wednesday and getting some serious endorsement from a local casting director for taped auditions, I feel better (sweet).

It's frustrating to feel that I've let myself down. The audition would have been a great job to book. I fumbled through several takes, but I didn't let it defeat me. In fact, my last take of the audition was really solid, I felt, “great” according to the casting director. It wasn't enough, though. That's really what I'm struggling with – feeling like I'm not (good) enough and letting go of envy. I'm happy for folks who book the big jobs. Many of them are friends. I just want to be able to turn the fortune I had this past summer into more work and it hasn't really happened (darn you, Neil Diamond, no matter how much I like your songs. BITTERBITTERBITTER).

Sometimes, however, getting a fresh perspective can make all the difference. I tried one last avenue in hopes of getting footage with my new dialogue and in the course of the conversation found that hell, the offensive dialogue can be edited around and still keep most everything in tact (d'oh! Duh!)! So, while I'll lose TWO WHOLE seconds of dialogue on what'll be posted on the Interwebs, the point is that IT WILL be up and I'll be able to market myself. Seriously, why don't I think of these things on my own? My ability to self-sabotage is so eerily well-honed, I really don't need enemies. All you people considering the position: don't. I've got you covered. I can shoot myself in the foot blindfolded and with far more efficacy and less effort than you.

Until then, I'm going to keep myself busy. I did get cast in a new play written by one of my actor friends and I'm looking forward to having some fun in theater again. I have an audition this week, though I'm not fulfilling my resolution to audition once a week, every week, on my own; and I've managed to barter my time for classes for the next few weeks (sweet). Patience is a virtue I don't possess, but I'm working on it, Lord, I'm working on it. Mostly to be patient and forgiving with myself.