I'm kinda down today. Less so than yesterday, but down nonetheless. I had one of those weeks where I've driven up to Dallas twice for an audition and a callback in the span of 3 days. Read: 12-14 hours total travel time with gas at more than $4/gallon. Then, I get the call that it's down to me and one person for the role and the client wants to make sure I'm available (and I am) and then …. they go with the other choice. :-( Seriously. It's like getting ready for a date only to have him call 5 minutes before he's supposed to pick me up only to cancel. All dressed up with nowhere to go. I believe the guys' version of that is called a prick tease.
That pretty much culminates how much the month has ebbed and flowed.
I started with a great high this month booking a commercial for a major auto company. The client was a dream. The folks on set were so incredibly, fantastically supportive and made no efforts to hide the love. I felt like I could do no wrong. It must be what a superhero feels like, or a parent after the kid has learned to use the potty. It really gave me the confidence to play and take a few risks with my choices. The freedom to add my own touch and be me. I got to parallel park an SUV that parallel parks itself. It was BANANAS. All I had to do was change gears and use the brake. My glee in the spot is only part acting. It should air in Texas on or just after Memorial Day.
The performances at Fort Hood are going really well, mostly. It still feels as if the team hasn't quite gelled enough yet and those after-lunch shows aren't up to par yet. The pressure is definitely high and it's tough to enjoy the successes when every detail is scrutinized. Lives are quite literally on the line. I'm finding difficulty relaxing into it, which may make me make things worse for myself. I'm trying to remember to breathe, focus, and that the soldiers are watching, listening, and in some cases, really paying attention because we're hitting home for them.
An Army major spoke before two of our performances this past week. He talked about his teenage son and how because of the performance he saw, he was able to recognize warning signs. After a heated confrontation between the two that very night over chores, the major and his wife decided to get their son help. It wasn't a moment too soon. The boy admitted to being depressed and suicidal for a long time. Years. So much so as to have come up with two separate ways to end his life. Because of the performance that the major saw, he got his son help. The major said if it hadn't been for the performance, his son might not be around today.
So, I'll take the pressure and do more than I think I can. I hope. I just have the constant worry I'll be canned after the 3 month contract period. That would really devastate me. Really. My nerves are a little shot from the high highs and the low lows. Is this what it feels like to be a drug addict?